Kissing Frogs

After I finally ended my marriage, which included four children, over 15 years together, lots of laughs, memories and countless nights crying myself to sleep, feeling unwanted, unloved and unsupported… I will admit that I FULLY enjoyed my adult time.

After the first six months post break up (honestly… years before that of a marriage that was already really over yet just staying stagnant) the kids started going to their dads every other weekend…and I found a decent job that I felt good about. I was finally free.

I was able to date and enjoy the company of men that actually WANTED to be around me, for the first time in 15 years. Having gone straight from high school, to having a baby and being a married woman kinda put a stop to any and all dating that might have happened during my 20’s.

So here I was, in my early 30’s…feeling great about myself and looking for fun. NOT a relationship. I was never really looking for that. I LIKED dating. I liked meeting new people. I went on lots of dates. Some guys got a second date, many did not. Some remained friends and we just kept it there. Some went further and we enjoyed the adult things that adults do.

I explored myself. I learned what I wanted. I tried new things…sailing…. Harley riding…adult clubs… you name it. I went kinda butt wild… but in a responsible ‘I have to be at work in the morning and my kids will be home soon’ kinda way. 

And I ENJOYED every single second of it.

I got into a rebound relationship that literally made me feel like a goddess most of the time. When he stopped making me feel that way, and the reality of dealing with a man who wasn't really what I wanted sunk in… we went our separate ways. I cried for about 3.5 seconds and was on to the next adventure.

Oh man, THAT next adventure was epic. I will always remember it was one of the best dating experiences of my life. But he and I were at different places too…and while the chemistry was hot and fast… it wasn't meant to be.

After that blazing relationship fizzled out… I met Bubba's dad and that was that end of my dating life.

By my own choice of course, things got deep fast and I feel in love ….again. I had no eyes for anyone else…

Then I had Bubba and I settled down again into motherhood and responsibility and throughout all our ups and downs…I have never once thought about getting back into the dating scene since.

But I have had pause to look back on, and contemplate my dating years recently.

I remember how fun it was.

I remember how great it was to really be wanted and desired…. to laugh and discover new things about another person…. To discover ways to make another person laugh and smile…to feel attracted to and yearn FOR someone….to get excited when I thought about seeing them…to feel beautiful when they looked at me… to laugh/blush at flirty and random texts….to ‘sneak’ out and be a WOMAN… to have a reason to shop for new underwear and flirty outfits....to have a person who wanted to listen to me and didn't want to argue with me about what I said…

There really isn't much about dating I DIDN'T like….

If the time ever comes again that I find myself in that world again, I don’t think it will be so bad.

I honestly don’t want to right now, despite how many people tell me their 'brother' is single....

I want to feel ALLLLL those things with someone that I already know and love.

I want to have the comfort level that comes from years together.

I want to know someone else has my back and never, EVER wonder where I stand with them.

I want to feel wanted and desired and appreciated and valued, ALL at the same time…and ALL the time…well the majority of the time….I’m no fool, I know even the best relationships don’t feel all that great every single moment….

I want my cake….and to eat it too apparently.

I want the impossible.

I want what I can’t have.

I’m too old for this shit.

Good thing I really LIKE myself! :) 

**sigh** 

Childproofing 101

Childproofing 101 ~Childproofing through the years. 

First kid…0-2 years...

i knew I had to lock ALL the cabinets in the kitchen and the bathroom, with those little clippie ones that you had to reach in and hold down to get the damn cabinet to open…

Now, locks on toilets, just WAY too ANNOYING. I just stopped the brats at the door to the bathroom, with those big clunky door knob locks that you have to squeeze to actually turn the knob…

Door knobs covers all over house because frankly, they worked! My angelic eldest minion played in her room and where I wanted her to be, only.

Safety plates in all sockets, from the time they start to roll over…

All "bad" stuff is up HIGH, or in locked cabinet… even the high frequency use type stuff, like laundry soap and counter disinfectant spray…

Baby gates, if the door couldn’t stay shut, at top of stairs..  helps with small dogs as well… very useful.

Bumpers on coffee tables… maybe for those ambitious parents anyway.  Me? I just took the damn coffee table out to the garage for a few months.

Second (and third kid, such as in my case) kid comes; first kid is now 2-5 years…

The mostly remaining cabinet locks are still working double duty. The few that have snapped in a panic to GET the coffee out before the screams commence, are awaiting repair, but other than those few, the kitchen and bathrooms are still locked down.

Due to the ever constant screeches for “heeeeellllpp…I can’t open the door” whilst dancing the potty dance down the hall while I am nursing, door knob/ toilet locks have long since been taken off.  Also not a good idea if your in said bathroom and run out of toilet paper while a toddler is the only one home who can fetch a new roll from the other ALSO locked bathroom for you. Just trust me on this. But a sturdy few door knobs locks remain. Ya’know…like on those doors that really ARE a no-go territory. The front/back door and MY room are still safely off limits...unless I forget to close the door.

Most safely plates still remain as well. I mean, all kids LOVE to stick all assortment of crap in those little holes… you just HAVE to cover them.  And the nine more boxes of outlet covers received during the last two pregnancies more than cover all the holes. I just have to remember to tell angelic eldest to put them BACK in after she yanks the vacuum cord out.

All the bad stuff is no longer safe just up high from the angelic eldest who can effortlessly climb on cabinets, walls, or up door jams…all to the blissful amusement and apt attention from the second born toddler.  I am pretty sure I saw the infant baby watching rather intently while sucking boob as well. ALL bad stuff now has to be locked down at all times.  In my house, threats of death and horrible disfigurement if touched may also be used to counter the curiosity of eldest child, thus keeping her out of the counter disinfectant and dish/laundry soap. Because I sure as hell cant be expected to keep fighting with the clippie lock to get that shit in and out nine hundred times a day while nursing and following a toddler and a preschooler around. But, its ok because the REALLY BAD shit was still locked up tight.

Baby gates are still great for dogs. It IS amazing, however, how fast a 2 year old can learn to climb over them while watching angelic eldest do it with ease. At the top of the stairs, this would be more dangerous I would wager…so like I said… baby gates still work GREAT for little dogs. And that’s about all.

The coffee table is once again back in place…to color on, build blocks, train sets, race cars, family games and that just-learning-to-walk baby/toddler can just learn to maneuver… and OFF with those bumpers, they get in the way of jumping from table to couch as well… or so I have been told.

Fourth child arrives; eldest is 5-10…

Cabinet locks have almost all ripped off.  The two cabinets that still have them hold items that no one ever needs. Dusty vases perhaps? Some still have the pokey out plastic part that jabs you in the leg when someone forgets to close the cabinet door.  In lieu of cabinet locks, the baby gate is back up in the kitchen doorway to just keep the ones that it CAN hold out, out.  It still works great on small dogs and the youngest child, usually. Door knobs locks are a fantasy of the past as soon as engineering second born figures out how to pop them off. But, throughout the house, and although at least 600 get caught in the vacuum hose, behind dressers, under beds and behind entertainment centers, those outlets are mostly still covered!

FIFTH child arrives….others are 9-16

Those two remaining cabinets, with working child proof locks, now house all the bleach, ajax and CLR…who cares if it’s the top cabinet, and I have to climb on a chair just to reach it? It’s not like I have a chance to actually clean anything anyway.  Besides, that’s what teenagers are for. The baby gate would still keep the small dog in/out… but after baby gate #456, I started to try another route..besides I got ‘lucky’ to have a toddler that wouldn't be out of sight range to-me for more than two seconds. Feel my joy? The much loved coffee table has long since retired…and two more have come and lived and retired even after that one.  Space is now needed for sleepovers and movie nights.  Learning-to-walk baby has WAY more than a coffee table to maneuver around now!

You can DAMN sure those outlets are gonna be covered! 

Ain't nothing like the very best baby proofing idea known to man. Eyes. EVERYWHERE. :)

My ode to men...

My ode to men...

Every single woman on this lovely planet can name AT LEAST one…probably more like ten… complete douche bag assholes… that are male (and probably JUST as many asshole women too.) Guys that made men REALLY look bad. Like those dead beat dads, or loser jerk-offs who hurt ‘weaker’ creatures. They are all over the place.  But fuck them.  I am not talking about them.

NOT all men are like that… I would even dare to say not even MOST men are like that.  Some are really pretty damn cool.

Now, they are not even close to perfect, don’t get me wrong here!  But then again… not many women are either. I know I’m not… I mean I’m close to perfect and all…but well... I digress yet again…

But the males of our species, men have really gotten a bum rap.  The popular media and television shows and would have us believe that all dads and most guys in general, are bumbling idiots who can’t even make a decision and are just the easy butt of family jokes. Those shows on Disney kill me with this shit. 

But really, there are hundreds of manly things that a man CAN bring to the table that I just LOVE.

Think about the guys you see every day... like the ones who works one of those ‘man’ type jobs… you know the ones… the tow truck drivers who work rain or shine, the construction workers slinging 100lb shit like it’s nothing, the firemen, the road crew, the mechanics, the coal miners, the railroad workers…shit I could go on and on here, but you get the drift… ‘Manly’ type jobs… (here is where I piss off all the feminists… so now, before some of you get your panties in a knot, I KNOW that of COURSE women CAN do ALL that shit…and many awesome chicks DO strap on a tool belt and work RIGHT alongside these manly dudes... but I daresay the majority of women do NOT want to be doing hands on dirty HARD jobs like these dudes…I know I don’t WANT to do any of that shit) I mean think about it. Why are cowboys and firemen so damn sexy… because they are ‘MANLY men’ doing ‘man’ stuff, and I commend all these guys...and know what…? I think it’s freaking hot.                                     

Who else can launch a kid in the 20 feet in the air with such ease and lack of worry for the imminent concussion?  I should say... who else can throw little Johnny up in the air so high he emits squeals of joy otherwise only heard when buried under a mountain of pillows while being laid on and tickled at the same time? Both actions usually done by SAME said man…. It’s just their way. We have all seen ‘male bonding” and if you haven’t..goggle that shit!  It’s what they are supposed to do. Throw that brat in the air… brats LOVE that shit! Men are physical beings... they wrestle, they grab, throw, jump and pull kids and KIDS fucking adore it. And you know that I love… I love those laughs… I love THOSE LAUGHS ridiculously much! I’m all for any guy that wants to come wear my kids out… and frankly I am not sure there IS anything hotter than a manly guy playing with a kid…whether is tea party or football… it’s just plain hot as hell.

Who is else is large enough to actually give those lovely big huge bear hugs? Yeah, I’ll say it… A big strong  man who doesn’t know what the fuck to say when his woman/kid is crying and wants to help is almost the best hugger on the planet… they hug with their whole body… they wrap you up and make you feel like nothing can touch you. Women hugs are nice, but I’m not too fond of smashing boobs with some other chick for an extended period of time.  And kids’ hugs are awesome... even if they are sticky and slimy and short lived. But nothing compares to the all consuming, body wrapping hug of a dude. I love man hugs!

Who else is always thinking about the possible enemy? I mean, who else upon walking into the crowded stadium or store is always looking one step ahead…watching for ‘threats’… taking in the background and all the other things that I never even notice.  A man who is observant, prepared and ready to defend his family is freaking awesome... I don’t want to deal with that shit. Don’t burden me with finding the fastest escape route…or what the nearest weapon would be if needed. Oh, I will watch my kids…I WILL keep them safe…and I will defend them and myself like no other bitch out there, but I prefer not having to worry about the other bigger 'threats' out there. Some men worry about that shit naturally…. and I’m all for it.  Leave me to enjoy, let them worry... if they like to. And I love that they do it!

Who else is going to see the logical side of an emotional situation? Men who keep those emotions in check and can see past them to the root of the issue will! Men are ‘fixers’.  We have all read Mars Vs Venus... we know they like to do this....and it makes us nuts sometimes. But they just wanna fix. Now as long as they aren’t tryin to fix ME (cause hey...I don’t NEED no fixin!)  I am ALL for it.  While sometimes this inclination for dudes to fix shit is a pain in the ass, but it’s also a blessing.  Women will let you talk and feel ALLL the feels, they will talk about the whys, they will talk about the ‘who’s’, they will talk about the ‘where’s’ and ‘what’s’ and ‘when’s’( don’t get me wrong, I love ALL that too, but hey I’m a chick ;) … but dudes... well dudes will talk about the HOWs. Men will identify a problem, and see solution and fix that damn problem.  For example, a few months ago my dad and one of his friends were helping me move a refrigerator upstairs to my apartment. After they were done … while standing in the kitchen… the blatantly obvious plugged up sink was brought into the discussion… and without any further ado… one such fixer type guy just got down there, pulled the pipe off and cleared the clog.  I was going to wait for a plumber, it had been sitting for two days like that… and he just got down and FIXED that shit. I LOVE that.

by Amy Vangsgard, Los Angeles

And who is going to make you laugh harder than you ever thought possible? Who else hates see you upset so much that they will do crazy shit to get you to laugh once again, JUST so they can see you smile? Yeah, sure my friends are hilarious and they get my delight up there pretty damn easily... but AINT NOTHING hotter than a man who has a great sense of humor. One who can make me laugh like my girlfriends do, or even harder. The clown, the one who sees the humor in most things, the one knows when to tell a joke, how to get a laugh and uses it to the fullest. Men are downright hilarious...and I fucking LOVE that!

OK, so they leave the damn toilet seat up… and dude… it sucks ass…literally….

But really, they aren’t ALL bad. They may not even have ALL the great ‘man- traits’...but even most guys have some combination of my favorite man traits.  Look at the guy in your life… the one snoring, or scratching his balls… yeah that one... and think about the shit that makes them different (note I didn’t say better, just wonderfully different) than you. And LOVE that shit.  I mean really… As much as I joke about wanting a “wife”… who would open those damn too tight lids? Or get up at 5am to earn the money so the mom CAN stay home and be superwoman? Or change the flat tire in the rain on the side of the road? Or put on those damn snow chains in the blizzard conditions? Or make lil Maryjane wail with delight by letting her experiment with her new beauty kit? Or have lil Johnny ready for the major leagues by the time he is 5? Or be the solid rock of reason and hugs when those emotions are a ragin storm?  Those annoying MEN in your life… that’s who.  And guess what, I love that shit too!

Great guys are everywhere…doing great things. Some are SAHD, some work, some do both and some do everything they can, some are single, some are attached, some are old, and some are young.  I know them, I see them, and I love them.  And during this week….when focus is on Mom... just remember… Dads are out there freaking out trying to figure out what makes Mom happy.  When in reality… it’s just them... being DUDES… that makes THIS mom happy. Keep it up!

I'm sure your list might be different than mine, at least i hope it is...but think about it... those guys that make you look twice.. what IS it about them that you love...beside the way their jeans fit?

And again... fuck those other douche bags. 

I'm sure you didn't hear it here first...

It’s all sunshine and shit till someone gets hurt…

You all know how a 3 year old can go from laughing joyfully to the end of the world-snot-bubbling-cry in about .03 seconds?

Well, I don’t always get upset when he does that…sometimes… JUST SOMETIMES... I freaking GET it dude.

Shit sucks. Sometimes.

And crying feels like the RIGHT thing to do. Sometimes.

And when you are three, not only does someone else still wipe your ass, but you are ALLOWED to break down for 3 minutes over not getting the RIGHT kind of sprinkles on your donut. It’s just ok. No one looks at you like you’re crazy. No one says, “Shit, bitch… relax”.  No one says ‘why are YOU so upset?’  It’s not even JUST ok for a preschooler... it’s almost expected. Kinda like, “Oh, there he goes being a baby asshat again….but it’s cool... he will get over it in a minute…literally”   And they DO bounce back…every single damn time, with big ol belly laughs almost immediately after the breakdown. Man, being three is freaking AWEsome!

A lil over a year ago, I was homeless.  February 1, 2012 to be exact. Another one of those lovely side effects from not receiving any child support for many years and a VERY bad time to lose my great job…sigh. Yep, no roof. No bed of my own. None of my pots and pans or towels or doohickeys or happy crap. ALL my crap was firmly… VERY FIRMLY, squeezed into a 10 X 10 storage room. It was a VERY bleak few weeks for me. My girls had to go live with their father in his mothers’ one bedroom apartment. My son and I went to live at another house.  I cannot count the ways in which this very well MIGHT have been the hardest month and a half of my life.  Well I could count then, and list them even... but I’m TRYING to stay positive here dudes… just take my word for it… it was B. A. D.  

I’ve been thru some very rough crap. Someday I may share that here… but hey, no matter what bad crap I have been thru… there are other awesome peeps out there that suffer worse. I hate to be a whiner.

I was in a place where I didn’t feel like I could be myself… I couldn’t parent my son like I would normally parent him.  ALL my ‘norms’  were just gone. I had to suck it up and play by someone else rules. Rules that I not only didn’t agree with, but didn’t even KNOW of usually. Like surprise shit rules that I wouldn’t even KNOW I did wrong till AFTER I did it and got yelled at for it. Sigh.  I had to go days without seeing my girls.  I had to pretty much just sit and cry inside daily.

But I didn’t sit on my ass. Oh no baby. I got out there, I got rides, I got help and I FOUND a place to live again. I managed to get into an apartment on March 17^th, 2012…less than two months of that crap and i couldnt have been happier to get back on my own feet~! I was able to have ALL my kids back under MY roof. 

I have NEVER lived my life in such an unstable way before. It was horrible in every way. I wanted to cry almost every second I was in that situation.

But I did my feelings like a 3 year old…except I kept it to myself.  I broke down in the shower for 5 minutes.... I would take a walk around the block and cry…I would text/call/see my kids every chance I got. I refused to let the fact that NOTHING was going right change the fact that I was and always will be a rock for my kids.

And THIS year, when the year-iversary of those dates rolled around, I did a lil mental happy dance… cause I got thru THAT shit man! I will, and have, had more shit thrown in my path… but I will get thru THAT shit too. That’s what I do. I get thru shit… and come out smelling... at least decent afterwards.

They say (and don’t get me started on who exactly is this ‘they’ that always SAY this shit..) that being grateful for the small things in life makes a BIG difference in ones attitude and ability to face challenges. And I have to admit ‘they’ are right. Some days I am just grateful I have clean clothes… and during THOSE dark days, I was FOREVER grateful that my kids had a roof, and they had a way to get to school...even if that DID mean getting up at 5am to take a 1.5 hour train ride… and I had my health.  I mean, shit…one can ALWAYS find something to be grateful for.

And honestly, if my kids grow up not having the latest crap that the other little spoiled brats…I mean... err... children… can’t live without, and are STILL grateful for the crap they DO have…then I will consider my job done well.  

And not only did Oprah say it… but I think Dr Oz and Jerry Springer too… THAT must make it fact. But either way, being grateful rocks. Really…

 Trust me… or don’t.

 But I’m right.

Soooo…

as of NOW, you officially have my permission to throw a full on tantrum snot bubbling fit for five minutes when you damn well FEEL like it... 

Trust me.

And BE grateful. 

All About Me

My back story, in case anyone actually comes here that DOESN'T already know me.

I have kids. I have a LOT of kids. Ok, well, maybe not “a lot by” some standards… but by MY standards, I have a fuck load of kids.

I was 19 when I had my first bouncing baby girl.  Yeah, I may have been young, but she was a life saver in disguise of an adorable fat lil round baby girl.

She was everything I could have wanted and more. I was perfectly happy being her mommy. I married her father when she was 6 months old. Ahhhh…young love.

Gag.

I was young, I was stupid and I made mistakes.  I chalk it up to being human.

But it wasn’t ALL bad.  Or else I wouldn’t have had number 2, 3 and 4!

My marriage was rocky. We were young. Things weren’t sunshine and cupcakes everyday…or even most days.

I had my last daughter when I was 26. I was then a SAHM to four girls.  I just couldn’t WAIT to turn thirty. I didn’t really care, but hey, maybe being more “mature” would help me to stop getting those looks… you know the ones… those judgmental  lil ol' lady types at the store who raise an eye brow and ask if they were “ALL” mine?  To which the thought pattern in my head was…Fuck yeah they are all mine… do you think I would volunteer to take some other persons matching blonde haired blue eyed devils to the grocery store with me for FUN?? Jokes on YOU ol' judgmental lady... i aint THAT dumb! 

Don’t get me wrong, my kids were never the type to run thru the store, grab shit off the shelves or scream randomly… but they still managed to bug the crap outta me on most trips. Still do actually.... hmmm. 

I digress.

SO about the same time I turned 30, and finally started to think about me for a change… my husband and I split. And while I was ok with this decision, actually I had made the decision (and I’m going to TRY to not talk bad about him here). I have never once regretted deciding to move on with my life without him. We were not happy, and my family was suffering.  He became a MUCH better father after we split, and if nothing else, I am grateful for that.  It was the right choice.

But here I was, alone with four kids… ages 11, 9, 7, and 4… no income and no real marketable skills. What the hell had I been thinking???

Hmmmmm

But hey, I found a job. I was in school. I made it work.  And I enjoyed being single too.

I dated. I had fun. I enjoyed my life.  I met another man and I had a beautiful baby boy with him when I was 36 (WOAH! Now... let’s just take a moment to acknowledge the difference between having a baby at 19 and having one at 36….OMFG. Night and day…)

Right now I am just trying to figure out my future.  My job sucks. My crappy lil apartment in the ghetto sucks. And overall, I don’t have much to be happy about. But damn it… I decide daily that I AM going to be happy. I just don’t have time to waste by hating on my own life.  Some days are harder than others, but some days are fucking great…so ill hold on to those great days and continue to work at getting my feet nailed solidly on the ground.

I currently have a simply incredible 19 year old sophomore in college, a sassy as fuck 17 year old high school senior, an almost TOO sweet 15 year old high school freshman, a snippy 12 year old pre-teen in 7^th grade, and to round it all off … a fucking genius 3 year old preschooler.   They rock my world.  They say and do crazy shit. I never thought it was possible to laugh and want to kill one person at the same time… but somehow these kids manage to show me new ways almost daily.

You sure you wanna come along for this ride with me?

Ohhh… come on now… I DARE ya! ;) 

What’s in a name?

( This isnt MY photo..I got it here http://cozyhomechronicles.blogspot.com/2011/08/mr-sun-sun-mr-golden-sun.html) 

I sat here thinking….for a few weeks (we will learn that I am a master at procrastination) and mulled over wanting to blog. I just want to write. I got shit to say man!  I have my doubts that anyone else wants to read my crap...but hey... I don’t really care so much about that… yet!

But this darn blogger asks me to NAME my blog. Well, shit… all the GOOD names are taken.

I so went thru my mental list…

My fav movies… “Top Gun Mom” … “Full Metal Mom”…  “Mom's Platoon”…but hey, I’m not a military mom, and while I would have been one in a heartbeat, and have the utmost respect for those that serve and those that love them… heaven knows I wouldn’t want to give the wrong impression…Besides, those just sound dumb.

But I AM a mom. To five heathens...er I mean…little sweet darlings. Well, not even so little anymore… they range from 19 – 3 years old… don’t judge yet!

And while they ARE the biggest focus in my life, for now… I don’t want to confine myself to a title that says read here ONLY if you’re a mom and want to see how badly another mom screws things up…sooooo I kept thinking…

And I thought, well…people love happy shit…I know I love happy shit…. but lo and behold the title “Happy Shit” is taken… go figure…so I had to add some more happy 'shitisms' to it.

Who doesn’t love cupcakes, sunshine and other happy crap?  And even if you got something against those pretty darn awesome things, I bet my wit and lovely way with the word will keep ringing in your head throughout the day…much like a jackhammer outside your bedroom window at 6 am on a Sunday.  I’m just brave enough to say EVERYONE likes SOME kind of happy crap at SOME point in their bleak dark day. Maybe even some of MY crap will float your boat. Then again, maybe not…

I cuss like a sailor.  I try to always see the good in anything and anyone.  And, hey man…I am stuck in my house all day… I spend 80% of that on the computer and I have a LOT of shit to say.  Can’t think of a better place to do that then here.

You have been warned.

And WELCOMED!