Kissing Frogs

After I finally ended my marriage, which included four children, over 15 years together, lots of laughs, memories and countless nights crying myself to sleep, feeling unwanted, unloved and unsupported… I will admit that I FULLY enjoyed my adult time.

After the first six months post break up (honestly… years before that of a marriage that was already really over yet just staying stagnant) the kids started going to their dads every other weekend…and I found a decent job that I felt good about. I was finally free.

I was able to date and enjoy the company of men that actually WANTED to be around me, for the first time in 15 years. Having gone straight from high school, to having a baby and being a married woman kinda put a stop to any and all dating that might have happened during my 20’s.

So here I was, in my early 30’s…feeling great about myself and looking for fun. NOT a relationship. I was never really looking for that. I LIKED dating. I liked meeting new people. I went on lots of dates. Some guys got a second date, many did not. Some remained friends and we just kept it there. Some went further and we enjoyed the adult things that adults do.

I explored myself. I learned what I wanted. I tried new things…sailing…. Harley riding…adult clubs… you name it. I went kinda butt wild… but in a responsible ‘I have to be at work in the morning and my kids will be home soon’ kinda way. 

And I ENJOYED every single second of it.

I got into a rebound relationship that literally made me feel like a goddess most of the time. When he stopped making me feel that way, and the reality of dealing with a man who wasn't really what I wanted sunk in… we went our separate ways. I cried for about 3.5 seconds and was on to the next adventure.

Oh man, THAT next adventure was epic. I will always remember it was one of the best dating experiences of my life. But he and I were at different places too…and while the chemistry was hot and fast… it wasn't meant to be.

After that blazing relationship fizzled out… I met Bubba's dad and that was that end of my dating life.

By my own choice of course, things got deep fast and I feel in love ….again. I had no eyes for anyone else…

Then I had Bubba and I settled down again into motherhood and responsibility and throughout all our ups and downs…I have never once thought about getting back into the dating scene since.

But I have had pause to look back on, and contemplate my dating years recently.

I remember how fun it was.

I remember how great it was to really be wanted and desired…. to laugh and discover new things about another person…. To discover ways to make another person laugh and smile…to feel attracted to and yearn FOR someone….to get excited when I thought about seeing them…to feel beautiful when they looked at me… to laugh/blush at flirty and random texts….to ‘sneak’ out and be a WOMAN… to have a reason to shop for new underwear and flirty outfits....to have a person who wanted to listen to me and didn't want to argue with me about what I said…

There really isn't much about dating I DIDN'T like….

If the time ever comes again that I find myself in that world again, I don’t think it will be so bad.

I honestly don’t want to right now, despite how many people tell me their 'brother' is single....

I want to feel ALLLLL those things with someone that I already know and love.

I want to have the comfort level that comes from years together.

I want to know someone else has my back and never, EVER wonder where I stand with them.

I want to feel wanted and desired and appreciated and valued, ALL at the same time…and ALL the time…well the majority of the time….I’m no fool, I know even the best relationships don’t feel all that great every single moment….

I want my cake….and to eat it too apparently.

I want the impossible.

I want what I can’t have.

I’m too old for this shit.

Good thing I really LIKE myself! :) 

**sigh**