Childproofing 101

Childproofing 101 ~Childproofing through the years. 

First kid…0-2 years...

i knew I had to lock ALL the cabinets in the kitchen and the bathroom, with those little clippie ones that you had to reach in and hold down to get the damn cabinet to open…

Now, locks on toilets, just WAY too ANNOYING. I just stopped the brats at the door to the bathroom, with those big clunky door knob locks that you have to squeeze to actually turn the knob…

Door knobs covers all over house because frankly, they worked! My angelic eldest minion played in her room and where I wanted her to be, only.

Safety plates in all sockets, from the time they start to roll over…

All "bad" stuff is up HIGH, or in locked cabinet… even the high frequency use type stuff, like laundry soap and counter disinfectant spray…

Baby gates, if the door couldn’t stay shut, at top of stairs..  helps with small dogs as well… very useful.

Bumpers on coffee tables… maybe for those ambitious parents anyway.  Me? I just took the damn coffee table out to the garage for a few months.

Second (and third kid, such as in my case) kid comes; first kid is now 2-5 years…

The mostly remaining cabinet locks are still working double duty. The few that have snapped in a panic to GET the coffee out before the screams commence, are awaiting repair, but other than those few, the kitchen and bathrooms are still locked down.

Due to the ever constant screeches for “heeeeellllpp…I can’t open the door” whilst dancing the potty dance down the hall while I am nursing, door knob/ toilet locks have long since been taken off.  Also not a good idea if your in said bathroom and run out of toilet paper while a toddler is the only one home who can fetch a new roll from the other ALSO locked bathroom for you. Just trust me on this. But a sturdy few door knobs locks remain. Ya’know…like on those doors that really ARE a no-go territory. The front/back door and MY room are still safely off limits...unless I forget to close the door.

Most safely plates still remain as well. I mean, all kids LOVE to stick all assortment of crap in those little holes… you just HAVE to cover them.  And the nine more boxes of outlet covers received during the last two pregnancies more than cover all the holes. I just have to remember to tell angelic eldest to put them BACK in after she yanks the vacuum cord out.

All the bad stuff is no longer safe just up high from the angelic eldest who can effortlessly climb on cabinets, walls, or up door jams…all to the blissful amusement and apt attention from the second born toddler.  I am pretty sure I saw the infant baby watching rather intently while sucking boob as well. ALL bad stuff now has to be locked down at all times.  In my house, threats of death and horrible disfigurement if touched may also be used to counter the curiosity of eldest child, thus keeping her out of the counter disinfectant and dish/laundry soap. Because I sure as hell cant be expected to keep fighting with the clippie lock to get that shit in and out nine hundred times a day while nursing and following a toddler and a preschooler around. But, its ok because the REALLY BAD shit was still locked up tight.

Baby gates are still great for dogs. It IS amazing, however, how fast a 2 year old can learn to climb over them while watching angelic eldest do it with ease. At the top of the stairs, this would be more dangerous I would wager…so like I said… baby gates still work GREAT for little dogs. And that’s about all.

The coffee table is once again back in place…to color on, build blocks, train sets, race cars, family games and that just-learning-to-walk baby/toddler can just learn to maneuver… and OFF with those bumpers, they get in the way of jumping from table to couch as well… or so I have been told.

Fourth child arrives; eldest is 5-10…

Cabinet locks have almost all ripped off.  The two cabinets that still have them hold items that no one ever needs. Dusty vases perhaps? Some still have the pokey out plastic part that jabs you in the leg when someone forgets to close the cabinet door.  In lieu of cabinet locks, the baby gate is back up in the kitchen doorway to just keep the ones that it CAN hold out, out.  It still works great on small dogs and the youngest child, usually. Door knobs locks are a fantasy of the past as soon as engineering second born figures out how to pop them off. But, throughout the house, and although at least 600 get caught in the vacuum hose, behind dressers, under beds and behind entertainment centers, those outlets are mostly still covered!

FIFTH child arrives….others are 9-16

Those two remaining cabinets, with working child proof locks, now house all the bleach, ajax and CLR…who cares if it’s the top cabinet, and I have to climb on a chair just to reach it? It’s not like I have a chance to actually clean anything anyway.  Besides, that’s what teenagers are for. The baby gate would still keep the small dog in/out… but after baby gate #456, I started to try another route..besides I got ‘lucky’ to have a toddler that wouldn't be out of sight range to-me for more than two seconds. Feel my joy? The much loved coffee table has long since retired…and two more have come and lived and retired even after that one.  Space is now needed for sleepovers and movie nights.  Learning-to-walk baby has WAY more than a coffee table to maneuver around now!

You can DAMN sure those outlets are gonna be covered! 

Ain't nothing like the very best baby proofing idea known to man. Eyes. EVERYWHERE. :)

My ode to men...

My ode to men...

Every single woman on this lovely planet can name AT LEAST one…probably more like ten… complete douche bag assholes… that are male (and probably JUST as many asshole women too.) Guys that made men REALLY look bad. Like those dead beat dads, or loser jerk-offs who hurt ‘weaker’ creatures. They are all over the place.  But fuck them.  I am not talking about them.

NOT all men are like that… I would even dare to say not even MOST men are like that.  Some are really pretty damn cool.

Now, they are not even close to perfect, don’t get me wrong here!  But then again… not many women are either. I know I’m not… I mean I’m close to perfect and all…but well... I digress yet again…

But the males of our species, men have really gotten a bum rap.  The popular media and television shows and would have us believe that all dads and most guys in general, are bumbling idiots who can’t even make a decision and are just the easy butt of family jokes. Those shows on Disney kill me with this shit. 

But really, there are hundreds of manly things that a man CAN bring to the table that I just LOVE.

Think about the guys you see every day... like the ones who works one of those ‘man’ type jobs… you know the ones… the tow truck drivers who work rain or shine, the construction workers slinging 100lb shit like it’s nothing, the firemen, the road crew, the mechanics, the coal miners, the railroad workers…shit I could go on and on here, but you get the drift… ‘Manly’ type jobs… (here is where I piss off all the feminists… so now, before some of you get your panties in a knot, I KNOW that of COURSE women CAN do ALL that shit…and many awesome chicks DO strap on a tool belt and work RIGHT alongside these manly dudes... but I daresay the majority of women do NOT want to be doing hands on dirty HARD jobs like these dudes…I know I don’t WANT to do any of that shit) I mean think about it. Why are cowboys and firemen so damn sexy… because they are ‘MANLY men’ doing ‘man’ stuff, and I commend all these guys...and know what…? I think it’s freaking hot.                                     

Who else can launch a kid in the 20 feet in the air with such ease and lack of worry for the imminent concussion?  I should say... who else can throw little Johnny up in the air so high he emits squeals of joy otherwise only heard when buried under a mountain of pillows while being laid on and tickled at the same time? Both actions usually done by SAME said man…. It’s just their way. We have all seen ‘male bonding” and if you haven’t..goggle that shit!  It’s what they are supposed to do. Throw that brat in the air… brats LOVE that shit! Men are physical beings... they wrestle, they grab, throw, jump and pull kids and KIDS fucking adore it. And you know that I love… I love those laughs… I love THOSE LAUGHS ridiculously much! I’m all for any guy that wants to come wear my kids out… and frankly I am not sure there IS anything hotter than a manly guy playing with a kid…whether is tea party or football… it’s just plain hot as hell.

Who is else is large enough to actually give those lovely big huge bear hugs? Yeah, I’ll say it… A big strong  man who doesn’t know what the fuck to say when his woman/kid is crying and wants to help is almost the best hugger on the planet… they hug with their whole body… they wrap you up and make you feel like nothing can touch you. Women hugs are nice, but I’m not too fond of smashing boobs with some other chick for an extended period of time.  And kids’ hugs are awesome... even if they are sticky and slimy and short lived. But nothing compares to the all consuming, body wrapping hug of a dude. I love man hugs!

Who else is always thinking about the possible enemy? I mean, who else upon walking into the crowded stadium or store is always looking one step ahead…watching for ‘threats’… taking in the background and all the other things that I never even notice.  A man who is observant, prepared and ready to defend his family is freaking awesome... I don’t want to deal with that shit. Don’t burden me with finding the fastest escape route…or what the nearest weapon would be if needed. Oh, I will watch my kids…I WILL keep them safe…and I will defend them and myself like no other bitch out there, but I prefer not having to worry about the other bigger 'threats' out there. Some men worry about that shit naturally…. and I’m all for it.  Leave me to enjoy, let them worry... if they like to. And I love that they do it!

Who else is going to see the logical side of an emotional situation? Men who keep those emotions in check and can see past them to the root of the issue will! Men are ‘fixers’.  We have all read Mars Vs Venus... we know they like to do this....and it makes us nuts sometimes. But they just wanna fix. Now as long as they aren’t tryin to fix ME (cause hey...I don’t NEED no fixin!)  I am ALL for it.  While sometimes this inclination for dudes to fix shit is a pain in the ass, but it’s also a blessing.  Women will let you talk and feel ALLL the feels, they will talk about the whys, they will talk about the ‘who’s’, they will talk about the ‘where’s’ and ‘what’s’ and ‘when’s’( don’t get me wrong, I love ALL that too, but hey I’m a chick ;) … but dudes... well dudes will talk about the HOWs. Men will identify a problem, and see solution and fix that damn problem.  For example, a few months ago my dad and one of his friends were helping me move a refrigerator upstairs to my apartment. After they were done … while standing in the kitchen… the blatantly obvious plugged up sink was brought into the discussion… and without any further ado… one such fixer type guy just got down there, pulled the pipe off and cleared the clog.  I was going to wait for a plumber, it had been sitting for two days like that… and he just got down and FIXED that shit. I LOVE that.

by Amy Vangsgard, Los Angeles

And who is going to make you laugh harder than you ever thought possible? Who else hates see you upset so much that they will do crazy shit to get you to laugh once again, JUST so they can see you smile? Yeah, sure my friends are hilarious and they get my delight up there pretty damn easily... but AINT NOTHING hotter than a man who has a great sense of humor. One who can make me laugh like my girlfriends do, or even harder. The clown, the one who sees the humor in most things, the one knows when to tell a joke, how to get a laugh and uses it to the fullest. Men are downright hilarious...and I fucking LOVE that!

OK, so they leave the damn toilet seat up… and dude… it sucks ass…literally….

But really, they aren’t ALL bad. They may not even have ALL the great ‘man- traits’...but even most guys have some combination of my favorite man traits.  Look at the guy in your life… the one snoring, or scratching his balls… yeah that one... and think about the shit that makes them different (note I didn’t say better, just wonderfully different) than you. And LOVE that shit.  I mean really… As much as I joke about wanting a “wife”… who would open those damn too tight lids? Or get up at 5am to earn the money so the mom CAN stay home and be superwoman? Or change the flat tire in the rain on the side of the road? Or put on those damn snow chains in the blizzard conditions? Or make lil Maryjane wail with delight by letting her experiment with her new beauty kit? Or have lil Johnny ready for the major leagues by the time he is 5? Or be the solid rock of reason and hugs when those emotions are a ragin storm?  Those annoying MEN in your life… that’s who.  And guess what, I love that shit too!

Great guys are everywhere…doing great things. Some are SAHD, some work, some do both and some do everything they can, some are single, some are attached, some are old, and some are young.  I know them, I see them, and I love them.  And during this week….when focus is on Mom... just remember… Dads are out there freaking out trying to figure out what makes Mom happy.  When in reality… it’s just them... being DUDES… that makes THIS mom happy. Keep it up!

I'm sure your list might be different than mine, at least i hope it is...but think about it... those guys that make you look twice.. what IS it about them that you love...beside the way their jeans fit?

And again... fuck those other douche bags.